Saturday, November 28, 2009

I Will Make Your Heart Whole Again

Since I don't have a post for Thanksgiving yet, I decided to post this. I was checking out Traci's blog for more on Maddox's surgery and I saw this. I hope you don't mind Traci.

I Will Make Your Heart Whole Again
It's a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you". He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that she is just going for a visit. She is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work". But the little angel is still a little scared. She asks, “Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies,” Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine." Then Jesus gives the angel more details about His plan. He says "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart". "Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday." "And when it's time to come back to Heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves." Author unknown

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

-3 Months-

(Mom's turn)- Another month has gone by and everyday life is not any easier or happier than a month ago. If anything, I personally find every single day hard and painful to go through, my heart is heavy and very sad. I don't think I have accomplished anything more this month than the last, I feel like the days are slipping by and I go on like a robot. Sometimes the grief is unbearable.

This month too we made it down to Price to be with our Family for Tori and Casey's birthdays and to take some flowers to our girl's grave, since yesterday was the 3-month mark from her passing. Our Family joined us at the cemetery and it was sure comforting to have them around, one more shoulder to cry on, and plenty of hugs to receive. With the cold weather coming, we decided to bring her some pretty silk flowers since fresh flowers won't last as long. I can't bear to see her grave with dry ugly flowers. My two nieces Taylor and Rylie made some really cute turkeys out of little pumpkins for Vittoria and it's so much more colorful and bright now. I know she would love it. Thank you girls for doing that!

I don't know if it's the holiday season getting close, but we are struggling. Anything like a smell or a song will set off major tears. We just miss our girl even more, if possible. A couple of days ago, I opened Vittoria's closet and it hit me like a slap in the face: the smell of her things, her shoes, her clothes, literally brings me to my knees.

Christmas has always been Vittoria's favorite holiday, the two of us would start listening to Christmas music on KOSY 106.5 the day after Halloween, much to James'dismay. We would beg him to let us decorate the house and put the tree up at the beginning of November, and 8 times out of 10, we would win. Now, I can't even look at the Christmas corner in my basement. It twists my heart.

But among so much sadness and pain, we have our little ray of sunshine. Little Jacomo is the one that will get us through the day, the week, and the month ahead with his smiles and also with his trouble making. Like I've said before, this little boy keeps us on our toes and since yesterday was such an emotional day for James and I, this afternoon he decided once again to get creative.

Anything wrong with this picture?
Well, this used to be a Reader's Digest cover, until Jacomo got a hold of it and decided to EAT IT!!! In order to do that, he escaped from what we call the "Moose Corral", which is basically a HEAVY children's fence we put in the family room so that he can play freely with his toys, but keeps him from wandering around the house without supervision. While I was turned around loading the dishwasher, little Hercules moved the fence away from the wall, climbed two stairs, reached for the magazine which was on the landing of the staircase and ATE IT! I turned around and the page was half gone, I looked and looked, hoping and praying to find it somewhere, but nothing. I did however noticed a little tiny piece of paper by the corner of his mouth and I was speechless. I called the nurse, who told me to call Poison Control. They told me that this kind of thing happens all the time. It's not toxic, since the amount of ink he ate was minimal and that he would be okay. They told me just to watch him and to make him drink a little bit more since paper causes constipation! Oh man!!!
Anyway, he is ok, happy as always ... I, on the other hand, have lots more gray hair and an ulcer the size of Texas!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Jacomo turns 1!!!



(Mom's Turn)
Our little guy is 1!
I can't believe how fast time has gone by. It seems like yesterday that we brought him home and we again had a newborn in the house after 8 years. All our family and closest friends came to celebrate him on Saturday, and we thank you for that. It was a bittersweet day, I imagine that's how it's going to be for the rest of our lives: his very first birthday and big sister Vittoria wasn't (physically) here. Oh boy, would she have been so excited to celebrate her little brother and spoiling him rotten. I think she would have approved of his cake ( Spongebob is one of her favorite shows to watch, and chocolate is something that she would have eaten by the pounds if it had not been too healthy for her), and would have loved to have all her cousins and friends together under one roof, playing and enjoying themselves. Jacomo was very taken back by all the attention he got, he preferred crawling around and chasing his little cousins.
We feel the void she left: when it was time to give Jacomo our gifts, I could not stop thinking about her handing her gift to him and excitedly waiting for him to open it. I was sad and at the same time trying to be happy for our boy. Conflicting feelings and emotions are hard to deal with, my heart is torn, on one side there is so much grief and sadness, on the other there is gratitude and love for this child that we have left and we get to raise and for having our daughter forever.
He is quite the happy little guy, very stubborn and opinionated, he is already testing us and challenging our rules, but in the end, we love him so much and we try to do the best for him and raise him like we have raised Vittoria.
Again, I could not hold it together when it was time to sing "Happy Birthday" to him: my heart was begging to hear my girl's little tiny voice sing, even just in my head. I think she would have helped him blow out the candle, since he just looked at it and waited. Finally James helped him. A better reaction of when Vittoria stood in front of her first candle and started crying and trying to crawl away from it.

Jacomo is a good eater, most of the times, and he sure enjoyed that piece of chocolate cake. He wasn't really sure about it, I don't think he knew what to do with it, but once he got rid of the plate the cake was sitting on, he went for it and boy did he make a mess, but he finished it all. Needless to day, after he was done, he was put right in the sink and given a bath.

To Family and Friends, near and far away, who have been by our side from the beginning, who have rejoiced and mourned with us, who have never left us, who love and support us,
THANK YOU from the bottom of our heart!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween 2009



(Mom's turn)
Same Halloween costume, 7 years later.
Jacomo got to wear Vittoria's elephant costume for his very first Halloween. Good thing he did: it was cold and a little bit windy in the evening, and with everything that goes around, he was warm and protected with all that fleece (that's how Vittoria's costumes were chosen when she was younger: they had to be heavy and warm!).
The morning of the 31st it was not something I looked forward to. I just wanted the day to be over with and be done with it. But then the first wave of the "rescuers" came: Vittoria's best friend Brittney and her family came over to visit and I ended up learning how to make sugar cookies ( I know it's a shocker, but besides brownies, I don't make anything else). Jacomo had a great time with 4 little friends playing with him and loving him. After they left, James' sister Mary, her husband Luke, and daughters Tianna & Adelia arrived with more treats and food. Tianna was Aurora from "The Sleeping Beauty" and Adelia was a lamb ( get it? Mary had a little lamb!?!).

So, the three little munchkins went trick or treating in the neighborhood. Jacomo did not really care about treats, he was just happy to be outside and see other kids.
I, on the other hand, had really to force myself to take part in all this, I felt like I had to do it for our little boy, who has no fault and no clue of what's going on, and for Vittoria: she would have been so excited and the first one out the door and last one to return. But the whole time, I kept thinking that this was his first Halloween and his big sister was not there to share it with him and to celebrate it together. I didn't see the fairness in life. She was looking forward to this holiday and get all dressed up.
It was almost the end of the evening, when I saw across the street this cute little blonde blue eyed girl dressed up as Cleopatra, and that did it for me, I completely lost it. I was WAY done. I saw Vittoria in her last year costume and could not stop bawling. My heart ached so bad, and then when she showed up at our door, all I could see was my little girl and her big mischievous grin. Needless to say, I was not the best company for the rest of the evening.

Towards the end of the evening, James' brother Garth, his wife Tori and their 4 little girls came by, so of course Jacomo a.k.a. Moose was having the time of his life. All his cousins kept him entertained and busy.
Well, in the end, it was a very good thing we were not alone on this holiday, and a big thank you to family and friends that traveled long distances to be with us. I know our little girl had been with us and especially with her little brother. We love you and miss you, Vittoria!