7 Months- 7 Mesi

(She said his food was gross, hence the disgusted face- A Vittoria la pappa del fratello proprio non piaceva, per questo aveva sempre la faccia disgustata)


(Although she was grossed out, she loved feeding him- Nonostante tutto, Vittoria adorava dare la pappa al fratellino)


(Always careful and doting on Jacomo- Sempre attenta e devota al fratello)




(Mom’s turn)
Another month has gone by… I really can’t believe it. Why does it feel like it was just yesterday that we were at the hospital holding her hand talking to her, yet other times it feels like it was forever ago, like she has been gone for a long time. We miss her so much, there are no words to describe the ache and longing. As I get up and face each day, I’m always thinking of her and what she would say and do if she were here: would she chase her little brother for me so I can fix dinner or teach him some songs to keep him happy? Would she kick him out of her room because he is destroying her stuff or would she help him get dressed? I know beating myself up is not good, but how can I not think of all this?? That’s how I thought our life would be. I know, seven months should have been enough time for us to catch on to reality, a totally different reality.
E` passato un altro mese...non ci posso credere. Perche` a volte sembra quasi ieri che eravamo all'ospedale a tenerle la mano e a parlarle, e poi altre volte sembra essere passata un'eternita`, come se Vittoria ci avesse lasciato tanto tempo fa. Ci manca cosi` tanto, non ci sono parole per descrivere il dolore e la voglia di averla con noi. Ogni giorno mi alzo e affronto la giornata pensando sempre a lei, a cosa direbbe o farebbe se fosse qui: rincorrerebbe il fratello cosi` io sono libera di preparare la cena o gli insegnerebbe delle canzoni per farlo felice? Lo caccerebbe dalla sua stanza perche` lui le sta distruggendo le sue cose o lo aiuterebbe a vestirsi? Lo so che questo farsi del male cosi` non fa bene, ma come non faccio a non pensare a queste cose? Era cosi` che avevo immaginato la nostra vita. Lo so, sette mesi sarebbero dovuti essere stati sufficienti per capire la realta`, una realta` competamente diversa.

I’m thankful that for eight months she was able to do the things big sisters do: feed him, play with him, change his diaper (she insisted that she would NOT change the poopy ones, she said that was my job!), give him a bath and just love him. As our days go by, I'm almost certain that somehow she is reminding him to keep us on our toes, and he does, trust me.
Sono grata pero` per gli otto mesi che lei ha potuto fare le cose da sorella maggiore: dargli la pappa, giocare con lui, cambiargli il pannolino ( e lei insisteva che i pannolini con la popo` erano miei da cambiare), fargli il bagnetto e volergli bene. Con il passare dei giorni, sono quasi convinta che in qualche modo lei gli sta ricordando di tenerci sempre all'erta, and lui lo fa, credetemi.

In the last couple of weeks he ate the point of a pink highlighter marker and the sticker that keeps a package of tissues closed. He chased and ATE a fruit fly and then laughed about it. He removed the cover of the heating vent in his bedroom and filled it up with lots of small little toys until the hole could not hold anything more. He ate a purple crayon and walked around for almost a whole day with his dad’s baseball hat lowered over his face chasing a ball and running into walls, doors, couches, chairs, and so on. I literally can’t turn my head 1 second and he is in trouble!
Nelle ultime due settimane, Jacomo si e` mangiato la punta dell'evidenziatore rosa e l'etichetta adesiva dei pacchetti di fazzoletti. Ha rincorso e si e` mangiato un moscerino e si e` pure divertito. Ha scoperchiato la presa d'aria calda nella sua stanza, l'ha riempita con parecchi giochi piccoli piccoli fino a quando era piena stracolma. Si e` mangiato un colore a cera viola e per quasi tutto il giorno ha girato per casa con il cappello del padre calato sulla faccia intento a rincorrere la palla e nel frattempo sbattendo contro mura, porte, divani, sedie eccetera. Non posso girare la testa per un secondo che si mette nei guai!


But we are happy he is this way: curious, adventure seeker, trouble maker, funny, tender, active, stubborn, happy and even whiney. At the end of the day, we love him more and more and he brings us joy.
Ma a noi va bene cosi`: curioso, sempre in cerca di avventure e nei guai, simpatico e divertente, tenero, attivo testardo, felice e anche le volte che e` lagnoso. Alla fine della giornata, noi gli vogliamo sempre piu` bene e ci da` tanta gioia.

We miss our little girl and we know she is watching over us and protecting us and especially her little brother- We love you Vittoria, till we meet again!


(Good Night, Jacomo!- Buonanotte, Jacomo)

SCOFIELD & 6 MONTHS

(Mom's Turn)

Every second weekend in February for the past 20 years or so, the Frandsen Family has organized and attended the Annual Scofield Snow Ride. So, every year, we pack up and go to the cabin to participate and to hang out with the family. This time I think they had the biggest turn out ever: over 180 snowmobilers showed up to enjoy the beautiful mountains, eat the yummy food and of course get the prizes.
Da piu' di vent'anni, ogni secondo sabato di febbraio, la Famiglia Frandsen organizza e prende parte all'Annuale Giro in Motoslitta a Scofield. Cosi', ogni anno, noi facciamo le valigie e andiamo alla baita per partecipare e stare con il resto della famiglia. Penso che quest'anno, abbiano avuto la piu' grande partecipazione: 180 motoslitte hanno partecipato al giro, la gente si e' goduta le meravigiose montagne, mangiato del cibo molto buono e vinto dei premi.

Jacomo and I stayed at the cabin during the ride, since he is still too little to go, but we can't wait to take him on it. We know that Vittoria had a great time when James took her on the ride. It was very cold, but she never complained, and we tried to bundle her up as much as we could, her skinny little body would not hold heat for very long, but she was fearless, asking her dad to jump this and that, to go faster and do tricks.
Jacomo ed io siamo rimasti alla baita, visto che lui e' ancora troppo piccolo per partecipare, ma non vediamo l'ora di portarlo con noi. Vittoria si divertiva un mondo quando James la portava con se'. Faceva parecchio freddo, ma lei non si lamentava, la coprivamo il piu' possibile, il suo corpicino cosi' piccolo e magro non riteneva il caldo a lungo, ma lei era senza paura, chiedeva al padre di saltare questo e quello, di andare piu' veloce e di fare le acrobazie.

(Vittoria-February 2008)



Some of the similarities between my two kids have to do with being outside. Jacomo, like his sister, absolutely LOVES to be outside and the snow.
We arrived at the rendezvous point for lunch kinda early, so Aunt Jana, cousin Harley, Jacomo and I played in the snow and explored a bit around. It was cold, windy and started to snow some, but nothing could keep our boy inside: for exactly 3 hours, he walked, fell, rolled, played, ran in the snow, like it was just a summer day. He had a blast, and by the time we got back to the cabin, he was exhausted and fell asleep right away. His mom, on the other hand, after all the workout of keeping up with him, had to take some Tylenol and a much needed nap. Who needs to go to the gym? It may sound like I'm complaining, but no, I would not change this little bundle of energy for anything in the world. We love him so much, he and Vittoria are our pride and joy.
Una delle cose che accomuna i miei due bambini e' il voler stare fuori a tutti i costi. Jacomo, proprio come la sorella, adora stare fuori e la neve.
Arrivati al punto di ritrovo con un po' di anticipo, zia Jana, la cuginetta Harley, Jacomo ed io abbiamo deciso di esplorare i dintorni e giocare nella neve. Faceva parecchio freddo, c'era vento, aveva pure incominciato a nevicare un po', ma niente e nessuno poteva tenere Jacomo in macchina: per 3 ore, ha corso, camminato, si e' rotolato, e' caduto e si e' rialzato come se stesse giocando un qualsiasi giorno d'estate. Si e' divertito tanto, ma una volta ritornato alla baita, era talmente esausto che si e' addormentato come un sasso. La sua mamma, d'altra parte, dopo tutta la fatica di stargli appresso, si e' presa un bell'antidolorifico ed e' andata a farsi un bel riposino. Sembra che mi stia lamentando, ma no, non cambierei questo fagottino di energie per niente al mondo. Gli vogliamo un bene dell'anima, lui e Vittoria sono le nostre gioie e vanti.

(Harley and Jacomo)

On Sunday, everybody made their way back to Price, since the following day was a holiday and we had pictures taken. So, on Monday, most of the morning and early afternoon was taken by the pictures: first all the grandkids ( it was funny seeing so many kids all together and the adults trying to get them to hold still, smile, and behave, and I was one of them since when everybody was ready and good to go, Jacomo decided he did not like to sit and be good). Then it was the whole family's turn, and then the single families.
Domenica, tutta la famiglia ha fatto ritorno Price, visto che il giorno dopo era festa e avevamo le foto di famiglia da fare. Cosi', la maggior parte di lunedi' mattina e primo pomeriggio e' stata dedicata alle foto: prima con tutti i nipoti
(uno spasso vedere cosi' tanti ragazzini tutti insieme e gli adulti che cercavano in tutti i modi di farli stare fermi, sorridere e comportarsi bene, io ero una di loro visto che una volta che tutti i bambini era pronti, Jacomo ha deciso che a lui non piaceva stare fermo e buono). Poi e' stato il turno di tutta la famiglia al completo e poi delle singole famiglie.
Well, since Monday is past and gone, everybody is back to their life, and we are back to ours, I honestly can say that since I was told about the pictures, I had dreaded Monday. Who wouldn't? I did too much thinking, but how could I have not? To me, it felt wrong, unfair and very sad that our Vittoria was NOT physically there. I do have some regrets that probably I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, and one is that I should have had our little family's picture done after Jacomo was born or even this summer before Vittoria went in for surgery. I can't go back in time, I wish I could. How could I smile when inside I was torn apart and felt like my heart was bursting with pain? I am the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve, especially when it comes to Vittoria, you can totally tell when I am in pain, so I think it was obvious during this weekend too.
Be', visto che lunedi' e' passato, tutti, compresi noi, siamo ritornati alle proprie vite e posso dire con tutta sincerita' che da quando mi fu detto di queste foto da fare, ero pittosto impaurita dall'arrivo del lunedi'. Ma chi non lo sarebbe stato? Mi ero fatta troppe congetture mentali, ma chi non lo avrebbe fatto? Per me era sbagliato, ingiusto e triste che la nostra Vittoria non sarebbe stata fisicamente con noi. Mi rammarico di non aver avuto l'idea di fare queste foto subito dopo la nascita di Jacomo o persino quest'estate prima che Vittoria avesse l'operazione, purttroppo non si pou' tornare indietro, ma come vorrei. Come potevo mettermi in posa e sorridere quando dentro mi sentivo morire? Sono il tipo di persona che non nasconde i propri sentimenti, soprattutto quando si tratta di Vittoria, e questo weekend sono stati piuttosto ovvi la tristezza e il dolore che abbiamo provato.
But my wise hubby always says that what we do from now on is for our boy, so I got my act together and had our pictures taken. Our photographer and sister Jana will do something special to our photos...but can't say much now, maybe I'll have to do another post with the photos. (if allowed)
In the end, I'm grateful for the graciousness and tactfulness of the family and that i we had our photos taken. One more "First" out of the way.
Anyway, afterwards, Uncle Garth took Jacomo on Taylor and Rylie's four wheeler for a ride around the yard. Obviously he loved it, like anything else that has an engine and makes noise. Two kids running around!!!
L'unica cosa che mi ha convinto a farci fare le foto e' in realta' quello che James ripete da un po', cioe' che quello che facciamo da adesso in poi e' per nostro figlio. La nostra fotografa fara' qualcosa di speciale e particolare alle nostre foto e se mi verra'permesso nel prossimo post le pubblichero'.
Ad ogni modo, nel pomeriggio Zio Garth ha portato Jacomo sulla quad di Taylor e Rylie per un giretto in giardino. Come ogni altra cosa che fa rumore e ha un motore, Jacomo ne e' rimasto completamente affascinato.



Tuesday, February the 16th, was the 6 month mark since our Vittoria went back to Our Heavenly Father, and it was soo hard. So, on our way back to Salt Lake City, we stopped at the cemetery. More snow had fallen since we were there in January. The flowers and the teddy bear were frozen to the ground and some snowflakes had started to come down. Vittoria's cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents were there with us. Thank you, once again, for your support, love and not leaving us alone.
Martedi' 16 febbraio segnava i 6 mesi da quando Vittoria e' ritornata dal Signore. Prima di lasciare Price, ci siamo fermati al cimitero. C'era ancora piu' neve di quando ci siamo stati a gennaio. I fiori e il peluche erano completamente ghiacciati e congelati per terra and i primi fiocchi di neve avevano incominciato a farsi vedere. Zii, cugini, nonni paterni erano sono venuti con noi.

(Nati, Jacomo, Camryn, Taylor, Payton, Rylie)
(Not pictured but present Adelia, Jocelyn, Tianna, Pyper and Harley)


We brought stuffed animals and more flowers, but also lots of tears. Six months have gone by, but the pain is so alive, almost like the first day. It feels like yesterday, but also like so much time has passed. We miss our little girl so much, we want to hold her and kiss her, and feel her skinny arms around around our neck and her tiny laughter....
...I just want my baby girl.
Abbiamo portato altri fiori e peluche, ma anche tante lacrime. Sono passati 6 mesi, ma il dolore e' ancora cosi' vivo, quasi come il primo giorno. A volte sembra ieri, altre come se fosse passato tanto tempo. La nostra bimba ci manca tantissimo, vogliamo tenerla stretta a noi, darle tanti baci, sentire le sue braccine magre magre intorno al nostro collo e la sua risata...
...voglio la mia bimba!!

What a day!

Can I erase the past couple of days, please?
So, our little boy started with a fever on Tuesday night, not big deal, except after almost 24 hours of Tylenol, he stopped eating and drinking and started acting very cranky and very clingy, with the fever reaching 103.6 Fahrenheit (39.8 Celsius). Not good, so off to the doctor who found an ear infection ( not again!) and prescribed an antibiotic. OK, I can totally deal with this: a few days of good meds and he will be fine, right? Wrong!! On Thursday at 1 am his fever reached 104 (40)!!!!!!!!! Throughout the day, the fever actually never went away, he kept crying and screaming for no apparent reason, nothing could comfort or calm him down, so yesterday afternoon, the nurse suggested to take him to a local hospital ( not a chance!) or Primary Children's Medical Center (crap)!! You know that was NOT the place I wanted to go. No offense, that is THE BEST place for a sick kid, but my emotions were and are still too raw and fresh to be thinking straight. As a mom, I had to put my feelings aside and do what was the best for my boy. Easier said than done, trust me. As we were getting ready to leave, on the outside I was trying to be brave and calm, but the memories and the emotions came up in crashing waves: my brain was already working to find an objective way to face this, but my heart was beating like crazy. My eyes started to tear up and my stomach was in knots. How could I do this without falling apart completely? What if the fever was a sign of something serious? And what if we met some of Vittoria's doctors or nurses? I mean, even just the parking lot triggers major anxiety issues and opens up the flood gates. I was scared.
We checked in and it was déjà vu all over again: the beeping monitors, the floor, the beds, the medical charts, the background noise even the smell.
Jacomo was a trooper: he got picked on, probed, checked several times, and during all, he held still, almost hypnotized, sooo much like his sister.
His heart rate when we got there was a little bit off, he still had some fever and some redness in his ears. They also found out he had a really nasty discharge in his throat and that could have caused the high fever. The diagnosis was Pharyngitis. So after some Motrin, liquids and taking his vitals one last time, we finally got to go home.

(Jacomo waiting for the doc)

P.S. He is doing much better today, but they said it will take 3 to 5 days for him to get back to normalcy. If that means 24/7 of a very active boy, not time to myself,always on the go, bring it on, I just don't want anymore of these experiences, I could do without them and especially I don't want to see the inside of Primary Children's anymore. I think I might need some serious therapy, I am a mess.

****************************************************
So, remember my fear of meeting one of our girl's doctors or nurses? Well, from far away, we spotted a doctor that was in the ICU when Vittoria was there, but since he never met her or us, I was ok with that. Instead, the nurse assigned to us was actually an old acquaintance: in September of 2008, Vittoria ended up at the ER for dehydration ( I know: bad parents!) and this nurse ended up being assigned to us. Not unusual, except that like our Vittoria, she has Marfan Syndrome. So of course, once Vittoria found it out, she was intrigued and very happy to meet somebody, especially an adult, with the same health problems as her, I think that maybe she was thinking what she would be like once she became an adult: a beautiful tall lady like the nurse.

T., the nurse, was very gracious and professional, trying to keep us and especially Jacomo comfortable, yet when we told her of Vittoria's passing, her eyes were red and teary, she was deeply saddened and then she said :" I remember Vittoria, she was always happy and smiling!". Music to my ears, yep, that's our girl! And some pictures came to my mind, of our girl and her funny faces.

Just Photos

Some pictures from our Christmas


(Checking out the decorations on the tree)

(Fiumicino-Roma 2009)


(On the train)

(with Dad waiting at the train station)

(walking with Dad)

(with Nonna Anna)

(with Nonno Giulio)

(with Zio Andrea)

(eating Kinder Pingui`)

(doing laundry)

(with buddy Christopher)

(playing with Christopher)

(ready to go on the plane)

….and 5 Months

(Mom’s Turn) This past Saturday marked the 5 month anniversary and I have to admit that time has really flown by. We did not go to Price until yesterday and came home today since it’s a holiday. Vittoria called it “Martin Luper King Day” (she could not quite get the “th” sound yet without her front teeth). On Saturday, it was also her best friend Brittney’s birthday and so Jacomo and I spent a few hours with her and her family, eating cake and ice cream and visiting. It’s not the same without Vittoria: I always expect her to come running around a corner and begging me to stay longer “ Per favore, mamma, altri cinque minuti…..ti pregoooo!” ( Please, mom, five more minutes, pleeeaasee!) or hear her giggling at something that Brittney said. We miss her so much, but we know she would have not missed this special event for anything in the world and we would have not missed it either. Yesterday (Sunday) we headed down to Price to be with the family. We made it for Church and then had a very nice yummy dinner and dessert with James’ parents and some of his siblings. After dinner, we headed down to Cleveland where my Host Family (the family I lived with for a year when I was an exchange student) lives. We had a good time visiting, playing cards and just watching Jacomo interact with their little dog first, and then with a baby goat. But our boy’s interest are just horses, in any form and shape, color and texture, he goes completely nuts.
This morning, we woke up to some fresh new snow and more coming down. It was absolutely beautiful and very serene. We got ready to leave: a stop at the cemetery and then back home. Grandma Bonnie and Aunt Joy with little cousin Jocelyn came with us to bring some flowers to Vittoria.


Like almost every day since her passing, I find myself thinking that this DID NOT really happen, that I’ll wake up from this long nightmare and she’ll be there, in her bed sleeping or on the couch playing Nintendo or singing at the top of her lungs, anything but this. This overwhelming grief cannot be real and I cannot believe that my broken heart is still beating in spite of the immense pain I’m feeling. We miss her so much and we want to hold her and tell her how much we love her a million times more, but I think she already knows all this. I’m thankful for what we have, for our Faith, our families and friends and the knowledge that we will be Together Forever. TI vogliamo bene, Vittoria!!

“First” Trip…

(Mom’s turn)

It has been a while since last post, and there is some major catching up to do. This past Christmas we went to Italy to spend the holidays with my family. This was our “First” Christmas without our little girl. I had been dreading the packing of the suitcases: somehow to me, not packing for Vittoria felt wrong and not possible. It broke my heart. We used to have our bags ready to go weeks before leaving, this time it was different. I started packing a week before and on the very same day of our departure, I was still not ready. I am a pretty organized person when it comes to packing and flying, this time my head was not into it, neither was my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I could not wait to see my family, but we were leaving without our girl.


(Jacomo on the plane)

This was our “First” trip in so many ways. After almost 10 hours of flying and half of the trip spent trying to comfort Jacomo, who had a cold, and keep him calm and quiet, we landed in Paris. Trying to get to our next gate for our connecting flight to Rome was an obstacle course which turned out to be a total nightmare. Two hours before our flight to Rome, I was sitting at the gate playing with my little boy and I started feeling weird. I felt dizziness, nausea, shaking and feeling faint, and it kept getting worse and worse. I was terrified. Here I was in a foreign airport, alone with my baby and on the verge of passing out. A couple that had traveled with us from Salt Lake City kindly played with Jacomo while the EMTs checked my vitals. They finally decided to take me to the ER in the airport. Not cool! There I was poked, pinched and checked until I started to feel better so I could get out of there and catch my flight. What was all that about? STRESS!!! I guess the stress and anxiety and everything we had experienced over the summer, showed up just as I had started to relax a bit.

For the following week, I was pretty much out of commission. Fortunately, my parents were there for us, and I never had to worry about things. Finally James arrived a week later and our little family was together again. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my extended family that I had not seen since Christmas 2007, Vittoria’s last time in Rome. I felt safe and loved and taken care of with all my uncles, aunts and cousins around me. We hugged, cried and grieved together for the first time.

Christmas morning was bittersweet. We watched our boy opening presents. Our hearts rejoiced to see him so happy and excited with all the toys, but at the same time it ached so bad for our girl. She was supposed to be sitting there, next to her little brother, opening gifts, giggling and laughing like always. Sometimes the pain and sadness felt too much to bear. On top of this, Jacomo had not been feeling well the whole time we were in Italy. The poor little guy started getting sicker and sicker, stopped eating and became very grumpy and clingy. We spent the rest of our time with Jacomo sick, some days housebound, some others visiting with relatives and friends and walking around Rome with some dear friends of ours from Utah. I thought of our little girl and of how much she had wanted to see inside the Coliseum, especially after the project she had done at school. We had promised her that we would take her inside this time. Well, I guess she now knows what it looks like.

New Year’s Eve came and went. Vittoria loves fireworks and the louder the better. We call her “our little pyromaniac girl”. She would stand on the balcony with the “sparklers” and could go on all night long. When it was time to start the fire in the fireplace, she was there with a log in one hand and the matches in the other. This year, as James and I stood on the balcony at midnight, I looked up at the sky and held the “sparklers” for her, “drawing” and “writing” like she used to. We hugged each other and sobbed.


We flew home on James’ birthday and we have been trying to get over the jet lag for the past few days. We found out that Jacomo has a double ear infection, so once again he is on antibiotics.

These holidays have been the hardest. We miss Vittoria everyday like it was the first day. I said more than once that I would have liked to have fallen asleep in November and wake up now. I think this is why we have families, so we can share the burden, the sadness, and lift each other up. I know that if our families could take away this pain of ours, they would do it in a heartbeat. We are very thankful for their unconditional love and support for us.

THANK YOU!

Dear Family,
thank you for bringing flowers and the cute bear to our baby girl. We really appreciate you doing this for her and us. We thank you for your support and love we feel every day. I know Vittoria loves her bear, thank you cousins!! We love our daughter and miss her tremendously every single day.
And thank you Friends for checking on us, visiting with us, calling and writing and for your support and care.
We love our Families and Friends and we are grateful to have you in our lives!!
We CAN'T do this without our Faith and all of you!
Love,
James and Valeria