A Quick Hello

(Aunt Tori)

So today makes it 4 months that we have missed our sweet Vittoria. Since Val and Jacomo are in Italy and James will be in Price today, but busy with work, Grandma Bonnie and I stopped by to say hello to our little princess. (Aunt Jana and and Aunt Joy had little sickies, or they would have been there too.) As extended family, we can't believe it's been four months. We can't even begin to know how it's been for James and Val, but we want the two of you to know that we never stop thinking/praying for your family and love you SO MUCH! Our hearts ache along with you. We will always be here for you and hope you know that.

We love you!

the little bear (with the beautiful purple sweater) is from all the cousins

Back to Vittoria's School

August 28, 2005
Vittoria's first day of school. She is 4 years old and ready to learn!
(Her school is in the background)


(Mom's Turn)A few weeks ago, as I putting Vittoria's backpack away in her closet, I found a book in it called "A Vampire's Vacation". I remember the day she brought home from school so she could read it. I had to smile: the cover has this funny looking vampire on it and I thought it would provide her some amusing entertainment in her free time. And I also knew very well why she had chosen that specific book: she had just watched "Twilight" and I think she thought this book was something like the movie. I never did ask her, and now I can just guess. I don't know why I waited so long, in my heart maybe I was hoping that she would have to come back to finish reading it.
Anyway, last week I finally decided that it had to go back to the school among other things and so today, James, Jacomo and I went to Vittoria's school.
I think I can speak for James too, when I say that we were anxious and nervous, maybe a little bit scared this morning. As we pulled up in the parking lot, my heart was pounding so loud and my hands were shaking so bad, my eyes were already swimming in tears, and I was trying my best to keep it all together.
There is something I have to say about this wonderful school: as soon as you walk in, it's like walking among family, you get hugs, tears, support and love, all in one. And as we walked in Vittoria's class, we got welcomed and greeted by the awesome teachers that Vittoria absolutely adores and her classmates whom Vittoria enjoyed so much. Jacomo I think was the main attraction: he got surrounded by maybe 10-15 of Vittoria's friends and he was loved, hugged, taken on a tour of the class and made feel he was among his friends. Some of these incredible kids even came to the funeral and today they gave us the sweetest and most moving letters they wrote to us and Vittoria I could ever imagine.
They even asked to hug us, and let me tell you, there is nothing more touching and comforting than a child's hug: it's sincere and heartfelt.
The whole time I was in the class, I could "see" my little girl, among her friends and favorite teachers, just showing off her little brother and walking around her class looking at the many different works on the walls. We can't say enough about the remarkable teachers who have taught and supported, encouraged and followed, and cared for our little girl throughout the years. Thank you, Ms. Debbie, Ms. Brooke and Ms. Gimenia! And to Ms. Valerie and Mr. Jeff, thank you for letting our daughter be part of this awesome school!

This picture was taken on March 10, 2008 at 8:19 am. We were waiting in the car in the parking lot of the school, right before dropping off Vittoria. I love this photo! It's very tender! Vittoria's teachers know that even though this is what Vittoria looked like in the morning, when it was time to pick her in the afternoon, it was a whole different picture: she would come out of school looking like she came out of a earthquake zone: no hat, one glove on, the other in her pocket, dishevelled hair, the sleeve of the sweatshirt that she had on the morning, hanging from her backpack, with the zipper not closed and papers and stuff threatening to fall out at every step. How many times I made her go back or went myself, to look for things that she had left behind. But in the end, she was just being a kid.


WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SWEET GIRL!

Thanksgiving and Vittoria's Tree

(Mom's turn)- Another holiday has come and gone. Thanksgiving like every year was spent at the cabin with the whole Family. And once again, our hearts ached deeply for our daughter's physical presence, like every day for the past three and a half months. The cabin is one of Vittoria's favorite places, the mountains surrounding it are gorgeous and this time we even had some snow on the ground. This is THE place where all the cousins get together and play from morning until night, day after day. Vittoria loves her cousins, she would "disappear" on the "deep stairs" ( it's actually the playroom, but to get to it you have to go up some steep stairs), and she would show up just when it was time to eat, otherwise always on the go.

We miss her so much it hurts.

Christmas is Vittoria's favorite holiday. So when our friend Jeralyn came to Primary Children's to visit and asked us if she could dedicate a Christmas Tree to Vittoria at the Festival of Trees, all I could think was that by then, she would have recovered enough to go see it together. I could not wait to see her face.
So Jeralyn, her Mom, her sisters and her family graciously dedicated this tree to our beautiful daughter. The theme of the tree is "Jest" for Fun, and we think it reflects Vittoria's personality: always cracking jokes, goofing off and making funny faces, even at the hospital, after surgery. We have one tough little girl, very brave and strong.



So, on Tuesday night, Jeralyn, her Family and the three of us went to see it. As we were waiting to go in, I could feel my stomach in knots. I started tearing up even before seeing it. As we were walking among the hundreds of beautiful and very different trees, this couple leaving the Festival and walking towards us stopped. And I almost fainted. I don't easily forget faces, and ESPECIALLY the ones of nurses and doctors. Cory works in Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at Primary Children's and even though he did not care for Vittoria directly during the four weeks she was there, he would come by to say hi and see how she was doing. So, needless to say that with my stomach already in knots, at this point I was ready to throw up: the flashbacks of those weeks in PICU came like a freight train, I felt like all the memories, the emotions, the heartaches came crashing down on me. So, if anybody is wondering why I have a blotchy weird face on the picture, crying does that to me.
I decided to post it anyway, so that Family and Friends, near and far, can see that we have not curled up in a ball and let life go by, we try to go on with our life the best we can. Each day is a struggle, but we go on, we want Vittoria to be proud of us. We left the Festival feeling like Vittoria would have approved of her Tree, especially with the purple decorations and the elegant jesters.

We want to express our heartfelt gratitude to Jeralyn and her Family for thinking of our daughter and dedicating a Tree to her, for the hard work and the support for our family.

Thank you everyone for all you still do for us, for the prayers, love and support we feel every day. We could not do it without you.

I Will Make Your Heart Whole Again

Since I don't have a post for Thanksgiving yet, I decided to post this. I was checking out Traci's blog for more on Maddox's surgery and I saw this. I hope you don't mind Traci.


I Will Make Your Heart Whole Again
It's a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you". He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that she is just going for a visit. She is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work". But the little angel is still a little scared. She asks, “Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies,” Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine." Then Jesus gives the angel more details about His plan. He says "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart". "Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday." "And when it's time to come back to Heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves." Author unknown

-3 Months-

(Mom's turn)- Another month has gone by and everyday life is not any easier or happier than a month ago. If anything, I personally find every single day hard and painful to go through, my heart is heavy and very sad. I don't think I have accomplished anything more this month than the last, I feel like the days are slipping by and I go on like a robot. Sometimes the grief is unbearable.

This month too we made it down to Price to be with our Family for Tori and Casey's birthdays and to take some flowers to our girl's grave, since yesterday was the 3-month mark from her passing. Our Family joined us at the cemetery and it was sure comforting to have them around, one more shoulder to cry on, and plenty of hugs to receive. With the cold weather coming, we decided to bring her some pretty silk flowers since fresh flowers won't last as long. I can't bear to see her grave with dry ugly flowers. My two nieces Taylor and Rylie made some really cute turkeys out of little pumpkins for Vittoria and it's so much more colorful and bright now. I know she would love it. Thank you girls for doing that!




I don't know if it's the holiday season getting close, but we are struggling. Anything like a smell or a song will set off major tears. We just miss our girl even more, if possible. A couple of days ago, I opened Vittoria's closet and it hit me like a slap in the face: the smell of her things, her shoes, her clothes, literally brings me to my knees.

Christmas has always been Vittoria's favorite holiday, the two of us would start listening to Christmas music on KOSY 106.5 the day after Halloween, much to James'dismay. We would beg him to let us decorate the house and put the tree up at the beginning of November, and 8 times out of 10, we would win. Now, I can't even look at the Christmas corner in my basement. It twists my heart.

But among so much sadness and pain, we have our little ray of sunshine. Little Jacomo is the one that will get us through the day, the week, and the month ahead with his smiles and also with his trouble making. Like I've said before, this little boy keeps us on our toes and since yesterday was such an emotional day for James and I, this afternoon he decided once again to get creative.


Anything wrong with this picture?
Well, this used to be a Reader's Digest cover, until Jacomo got a hold of it and decided to EAT IT!!! In order to do that, he escaped from what we call the "Moose Corral", which is basically a HEAVY children's fence we put in the family room so that he can play freely with his toys, but keeps him from wandering around the house without supervision. While I was turned around loading the dishwasher, little Hercules moved the fence away from the wall, climbed two stairs, reached for the magazine which was on the landing of the staircase and ATE IT! I turned around and the page was half gone, I looked and looked, hoping and praying to find it somewhere, but nothing. I did however noticed a little tiny piece of paper by the corner of his mouth and I was speechless. I called the nurse, who told me to call Poison Control. They told me that this kind of thing happens all the time. It's not toxic, since the amount of ink he ate was minimal and that he would be okay. They told me just to watch him and to make him drink a little bit more since paper causes constipation! Oh man!!!
Anyway, he is ok, happy as always ... I, on the other hand, have lots more gray hair and an ulcer the size of Texas!

Jacomo turns 1!!!

JACOMO'S CAKE

OUR LITTLE SHOELESS COWBOY

(Mom's Turn)
Our little guy is 1!
I can't believe how fast time has gone by. It seems like yesterday that we brought him home and we again had a newborn in the house after 8 years. All our family and closest friends came to celebrate him on Saturday, and we thank you for that. It was a bittersweet day, I imagine that's how it's going to be for the rest of our lives: his very first birthday and big sister Vittoria wasn't (physically) here. Oh boy, would she have been so excited to celebrate her little brother and spoiling him rotten. I think she would have approved of his cake ( Spongebob is one of her favorite shows to watch, and chocolate is something that she would have eaten by the pounds if it had not been too healthy for her), and would have loved to have all her cousins and friends together under one roof, playing and enjoying themselves. Jacomo was very taken back by all the attention he got, he preferred crawling around and chasing his little cousins.
We feel the void she left: when it was time to give Jacomo our gifts, I could not stop thinking about her handing her gift to him and excitedly waiting for him to open it. I was sad and at the same time trying to be happy for our boy. Conflicting feelings and emotions are hard to deal with, my heart is torn, on one side there is so much grief and sadness, on the other there is gratitude and love for this child that we have left and we get to raise and for having our daughter forever.
He is quite the happy little guy, very stubborn and opinionated, he is already testing us and challenging our rules, but in the end, we love him so much and we try to do the best for him and raise him like we have raised Vittoria.
Again, I could not hold it together when it was time to sing "Happy Birthday" to him: my heart was begging to hear my girl's little tiny voice sing, even just in my head. I think she would have helped him blow out the candle, since he just looked at it and waited. Finally James helped him. A better reaction of when Vittoria stood in front of her first candle and started crying and trying to crawl away from it.


Jacomo is a good eater, most of the times, and he sure enjoyed that piece of chocolate cake. He wasn't really sure about it, I don't think he knew what to do with it, but once he got rid of the plate the cake was sitting on, he went for it and boy did he make a mess, but he finished it all. Needless to day, after he was done, he was put right in the sink and given a bath.

To Family and Friends, near and far away, who have been by our side from the beginning, who have rejoiced and mourned with us, who have never left us, who love and support us,
THANK YOU from the bottom of our heart!
WE LOVE YOU!

Halloween 2009

HALLOWEEN 2002



HALLOWEEN 2009

(Mom's turn)
Same Halloween costume, 7 years later.
Jacomo got to wear Vittoria's elephant costume for his very first Halloween. Good thing he did: it was cold and a little bit windy in the evening, and with everything that goes around, he was warm and protected with all that fleece (that's how Vittoria's costumes were chosen when she was younger: they had to be heavy and warm!).
The morning of the 31st it was not something I looked forward to. I just wanted the day to be over with and be done with it. But then the first wave of the "rescuers" came: Vittoria's best friend Brittney and her family came over to visit and I ended up learning how to make sugar cookies ( I know it's a shocker, but besides brownies, I don't make anything else). Jacomo had a great time with 4 little friends playing with him and loving him. After they left, James' sister Mary, her husband Luke, and daughters Tianna & Adelia arrived with more treats and food. Tianna was Aurora from "The Sleeping Beauty" and Adelia was a lamb ( get it? Mary had a little lamb!?!).



So, the three little munchkins went trick or treating in the neighborhood. Jacomo did not really care about treats, he was just happy to be outside and see other kids.
I, on the other hand, had really to force myself to take part in all this, I felt like I had to do it for our little boy, who has no fault and no clue of what's going on, and for Vittoria: she would have been so excited and the first one out the door and last one to return. But the whole time, I kept thinking that this was his first Halloween and his big sister was not there to share it with him and to celebrate it together. I didn't see the fairness in life. She was looking forward to this holiday and get all dressed up.
It was almost the end of the evening, when I saw across the street this cute little blonde blue eyed girl dressed up as Cleopatra, and that did it for me, I completely lost it. I was WAY done. I saw Vittoria in her last year costume and could not stop bawling. My heart ached so bad, and then when she showed up at our door, all I could see was my little girl and her big mischievous grin. Needless to say, I was not the best company for the rest of the evening.



Towards the end of the evening, James' brother Garth, his wife Tori and their 4 little girls came by, so of course Jacomo a.k.a. Moose was having the time of his life. All his cousins kept him entertained and busy.
Well, in the end, it was a very good thing we were not alone on this holiday, and a big thank you to family and friends that traveled long distances to be with us. I know our little girl had been with us and especially with her little brother. We love you and miss you, Vittoria!