Ice Skating with Her Class-Pattinando sul Ghiaccio con la Sua Classe

(Mom's turn)
I received this email from Ms. Debbie,Vittoria's teacher,a while back. It has been a comfort to us to know that there are still people thinking about her and they haven't forgotten her.
Ho ricevuto questa email da Ms. Debbie, la maestra di Vittoria,un po` di tempo fa. Ci aiuta e comforta sapere che c'e` ancora gente che la pensa e che non l'hanno dimenticata.


Dear Val and James,
Yesterday we took our class ice skating (third time this year.)
Even though she wasn't able to ice skate with us last year, we pictured
Vittoria on the ice with us. Why? We were listening to the radio at
full volume while we skated, and Love Story came on the radio. Brooke,
Gimenia, and I all looked at each other while we were skating and said,
"Vittoria is with us, racing us around the rink." Our hearts ache for
you; please know that Vittoria is never far from our thoughts. She
never let her physical limitations slow her down. She'd take off
running with that "catch me if you can" grin on her face - it always
seemed she wanted to take off and FLY!!!!
We love you both and think of you and your family often. Please visit
again this spring, before school is out!!!
Much love and hugs,
Debbie

Cari Val e James,
ieri abbiamo portato la classe a pattinare sul ghiaccio ( la terza volta quest'anno). Anche se Vittoria non era stato in grado di venire a pattinare con noi l'anno scorso, abbiamo immaginato Vittoria sul ghiaccio con noi. Perche'? Stavamo ascoltando la musica a tutto volume mentre pattinavamo, e "Love Story" ha incominciato a suonare. Brooke, Gimenia ed io ci siamo guardate mentre pattinavamo e abbiamo detto:"Vittoria e' con noi, a gareggiare con noi intorno alla pista". I nostri cuori soffrono per voi; sappiate che Vittoria e' spesso nei nostri pensieri. Lei non ha mai permesso alle sue limitazioni fisiche di rallentarla. Incominciava a correre con quel sorriso del tipo " acchiappami se ci riesci"-sembrava sempre che lei volesse decollare e VOLARE VIA!!!
Vi vogliamo bene e vi pensiamo spesso. Venite a trovarci questa primavera prima che la scuola finisca!!
Con affetto e tanti abbracci,
Debbie

We miss our baby girl!

8 Months- 8 Mesi

(Picture taken 20 July 2009, the evening before her last surgery-Foto fatta il 20 luglio 2009, la sera prima della sua ultima operazione)
(Mom's turn)
Our baby girl has been gone for 8 months and I can’t believe it… I don’t want to believe it. How is it possible that now time goes faster than ever before, but while I was growing up and going to school, it felt as if the days would never pass fast enough?
La nostra bimba non c’e` piu` da 8 mesi, non ci posso credere…non ci voglio credere. Come e` possible che il tempo passa piu` veloce che mai, ma crescendo e andando a scuola sembra che non passasse mai abbastanza velocemente?

Our days are almost always busy and full with work, chasing Jacomo, regular chores and errands, but empty and sad without our Vittoria. I think it’s a hard new routine we have been trying to adapt to. You would think that after 8 months we should have somehow adjusted to it, but I don’t think we have. Old habits die hard. Things like turning around to see if BOTH Vittoria and Jacomo are buckled in, or writing her name after ours on birthday cards, or even walking past Vittoria’s room to see if her light is off and if she kicked off the covers for the umpteenth time.

Le nostre giornate sono quasi sempre piene e occupate con il lavoro, a rincorrere Jacomo, i giri e lefaccende di tutti i giorni, ma vuote senza la nostra Vittoria. E` una routine nuova e difficile a cui stiamo provando ad adattarci, uno penserebbe che dopo 8 mesi in qualche maniera ci siamo adeguati, ma penso che non lo abbiamo fatto ancora. Le vecchie abitudini sono dure a morire, come il continuare a girarsi per vedere se sia Vittoria che Jacomo hanno tutti e due le cinture allacciate, o scrivere il suo nome con il nostro su biglietti di auguri, o passare davanti alla stanza di Vittoria per controllare se le luci sono spente o si e` tolta le coperte per l’ennesima volta.

To keep doing these sort of things somehow helps me to think that I am indeed still taking care of her, and that I’m still being a good mom to her. It’s not easy after 8 years to stop what we used to do all at once. So many times I have found Jacomo watching TV a little too close and without even thinking I called him Vittoria and tell him to step back a bit. If I am in a store,” my feet” start taking me to the girls’ apparel section before I remember. Remembering and facing reality are a big slap in the face and a stab in my heart.

Continuare a fare questo tipo di cose mi aiuta a credere che in qualche modo mi sto ancora prendendo cura di lei e sono ancora una brava mamma. Non e` facile dopo 8 anni smettere d’improvviso di fare quello che si era oramai un’abitudine. Tante volte ho trovato Jacomo un po` troppo attaccato alla television e senza neanche pensare l’ho chiamato Vittoria e l’ho fatto spostare. Quando sono in un negozio, i “miei piedi” mi portano nel reparto d’abbigliamento per bambine prima che incomincio a ricordare. Ricordare e affrontare la realta`sono un gran bello schiaffo in faccia e una coltellata al cuore.


(Last picture of Vittoria smiling-ultima foto di Vittoria sorridente)


We love you and miss you, Vittoria!
Ti vogliamo bene e ci manchi, Vittoria!

P.S. Borrowed this poem from Sherry!

The Broken Chain
We little knew
that morning
that God was going
to call your name.
In life we loved
you dearly
In death we do the
same.

It broke our hearts
to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went
with you the day
God called you home.

You left us peaceful
memories. Your love
is still our guide.
And though we cannot
see you, you are
always at our side.

Our family chain
is broken
and nothing seems
the same,
but as God calls
us one by one,
the Chain
will link
again.

"First" Easter- "Prima" Pasqua

(Mom's turn)
Like all of the other holidays we have had since Vittoria's passing, this Easter was the first one without her. At first, the idea of going camping really did not appeal to me. It felt wrong and very sad to be doing all the things she loved without her.
Come tante altre festivita` che abbiamo avuto da quanto Vittoria non e` piu` con noi, questa Pasqua e` stata la prima senza la nostra bimba. All'inizio, l'idea di andare a fare campeggio non mi attraeva per niente, per me era sbagliato e triste fare tutte queste attivita` che lei adorava senza di lei.
Since we have had Vittoria 8 years ago, we spent every single Easter at home, either recovering from surgery or getting ready for one. We always wished we could have taken our little girl out and gone camping, but we were just happy to be together, just the three of us.
Da quando e` nata Vittoria 8 anni fa, abbiamo trascorso ogni Pasqua a casa, o perche` si stava riprendendo da una operazione o perche` si stava preparando per un'altra. Certo, ci sarebbe piaciuto portarla fuori, a fare campeggio, ma noi eravamo contenti cosi`, di essere insieme, solo noi tre.
(On the 10th of April 2009, Vittoria is ready to leave the hospital, but the Easter Bunny stopped by to say hi- Il 10 Aprile 2009, Vittoria e` pronta a lasciare l'ospedale dopo un'altra operazione alla schiena, ma prima una visita dal "Coniglio Pasquale").

(Coloring eggs at home- Colorando le uova a casa)



(James, Jacomo and Vittoria are done- James, Jacomo e Vittoria hanno finito)
So this year, it was the first time for James and I (and Jacomo) to go camping for Easter with the family.
Quest'anno e` stata anche la prima volta che James ed io (e Jacomo) siamo andati con il resto della famiglia per Pasqua.


(James and Jacomo enjoy playing in the dirt- James e Jacomo si divertono a giocare nella terra)


(Jacomo and his toys- Jacomo e i suoi giocattoli)


(Jacomo searching for Easter eggs- Jacomo alla ricerca delle uova di Pasqua)


(Jacomo's basket is as heavy as he is- Il secchiello di Jacomo pesa quanto lui)

So, with camp trailers, toy-haulers and horses in tow, we made our way to our camping spot in the desert. On the way down we had our nieces Payton and Rylie with us and during our ride, we sang songs and tried to guess from which Disney movies they were from. These little girls, like the rest of our nieces, have a very special way to touch our hearts. As the very first notes of "Love Story" by Taylor Swift came on, you could see their little brains working to guess the song and then almost at the same time Rylie screamed "it's Love Story" and Payton "it's Vittoria's favorite song!" So of course we had to turn up the volume and sing it out loud. What a joy to hear their little voices from the back seat singing their hearts out. I imagined Vittoria directing the choir and making them sing louder and louder. The girls requested the song to be played I think 4 more times before we made it to our camping spot.
Cosi` con varie roulotte, rimorchi per moto e cavalli, ci siamo avviati verso la nostra destinazione nel deserto. Le nostre due nipoti, Payton e Rylie, sono venute in macchina con noi, cosi` abbiamo fatto il viaggio cantando le varie canzoni e loro dovevano indovinare di quale film Disney fossero la colonna sonora. Queste bambine, come il resto delle nostre nipoti, hanno un modo speciale per commuoverti. Appena sono iniziate le prime note di "Love Story" di Taylor Swift, e le potevi vedere a lavoro per indovinare la canzone, quasi simultaneamente Rylie ha urlato" E` Love Story" e Payton" E` la canzone preferita di Vittoria!". Cosi`, ovvio che abbiamo dovuto alzare il volume al massimo e cantarla a squarciagola. Che bello sentire queste due vocine dal sedile dietro cantare a piu` non posso. Ho pensato a Vittoria che le dirigeva e le incitava a cantare a voce ancora piu` alta. Hanno richiesto di sentire la stessa canzone altre 4 volte, prima di arrivare finalmente a destinazione.


(Our base camp in the desert- Il nostro campobase nel deserto)

By the time we arrived there, it was late and dark, and I was so glad I was not the one driving in the scary narrow spots: my hat goes off to Tori, Bonnie and Jana who pulled trailers around some tight turns. Anyway, we set up camp and went to bed.
We spent the next 4 days four wheeling, eating, playing in the dirt, walking, talking, exploring, hiking and riding horses (not me though!). It was sunny, yet pretty windy and chilly, but the food was awesome, and the company was great.
Siamo arrivati tardi in serata ed grata di non aver dovuto guidare in quelle condizioni: tanto di cappello a Tori, Bonnie e Jana che hanno guidato, con i rimorchi dietro, su "strade" parecchio strette e pericolose. Abbiamo sistemato le roulotte e ce ne siamo andati a dormire.
I 4 giorni successivi li abbiamo trascorsi facendo di tutto, su motociclette, camminate, esplorazioni, a mangiare, e andando a cavallo ( non la sottoscritta pero`!). C'era parecchio vento e faceva un po` freddo, ma il cibo era divino e la compagnia ottima.


(He loves the dirt for sure!- Quanto gli piace la terra!)


(Jacomo and cousins Harley and Camryn out for a spin!- Jacomo e le cuginette Harley e Camryn pronti per andare a fare un giro!)

Jacomo had a blast! He was all over the place and always on the go, exploring, trying to get to the horses on his own, or catch a ride with somebody on the four wheeler. We had a good time, relaxed (when Jacomo would take his nap) and enjoy the surrounding wild nature.
Jacomo si e`divertito tantissimo, andava dappertutto, sempre in movimento, esplorando, cercando di andare dai cavalli da solo, o fare un giro con qualcuno sulle motociclette. Noi siamo stati bene, ci siamo rilassati ( quando Jacomo si faceva il riposino) e abbiamo goduto la natura selvaggia intorno a noi.
I sure enjoyed my nieces' company: we would go for four wheeler rides and they would giggle so hard, and then they would ask to go on the dirt bumps so that the one sitting in the very back without a blanket under her behind would laugh and grumble at the same time. I imagined Vittoria going on rides with us, sitting in the front, with her arms spread wide and a big grin on her face, the wind in her hair saying: "Look mom, I'm flying and I don't have to hold on this time!"
Mi sono goduta la compagnia delle mie nipoti: andavamo a fare i giri sulle motociclette e loro si sbellicavano dal ridere, chiedevano di andare sui dossi piu` grossi, cosi` quella che sedeva di dietro all'ultimo posto, senza una coperta sotto il sedere, rideva, ma poi brontolava perche` era doloroso. Immaginavo Vittoria che veniva con noi a fare questi giri, seduta davanti a me,con le braccia allargate, con un bel sorriso e il vento nei capelli che mi diceva: "Guarda mamma, sto volando, e questa volta non mi devo aggrappare a niente e nessuno!"

So, another holiday has come and gone...life goes on, days pass and we miss her more and more each day. We can hear her tiny voice and remember the softness of her skin, I just would like one more hug from her.
We miss you sweet Vittoria so much and we love you!
E cosi' e' passata un'altra vacanza...la vita va avanti, i giorni passano e sentiamo la sua mancanza ogni giorno sempre di piu'. Sentiamo la sua voce e ricordiamo quanto morbida fosse la sua pelle, vorrei soltanto un altro suo abbraccio.
Ci manchi dolce Vittoria e ti vogliamo tanto bene!


(Taking time to eat- Pausa pranzo!)


(Jacomo and his daddy- Jacomo e il suo papa`)




(If he could, he would sleep with his clothes on- Se potesse, Jacomo dormirebbe con i vestiti addosso)

New Look

BEFORE....



(Jacomo on 2/15/2010 for his first professional photo-Jacomo il 15 di febbraio 2010 posa per la sua "prima" foto)
(Mom's turn)
After many months of long and unruly hair, I finally decided to take Jacomo to get his "first" haircut, well first professional cut. Until now I was the now cutting here and there, but I think boy's hair needs to be cut by somebody who knows what he is doing. So we went to Cookie Cutters and it was a fun and interesting experience. They made him choose which car he wanted to sit in, the movie he wanted to watch and after that it was 20 minutes of cutting, buzzing and fixing and he transformed into a little man.

Dopo parecchi mesi di capelli lunghi e difficili da gestire, finalmente mi sono decisa a portare Jacomo per il suo "primo" taglio di capelli, il primo taglio di capelli fatto da una professionista. Fino ad adesso li accorciavo io qui e la`, ma sono del parere che i capelli di un maschietto devono essere tagliati da qualcuno che sa quello che fa. Cosi` siamo andati da Cookie Cutters ed e` stata un'esperienza divertente ed interessante allo stesso tempo. Gli hanno fatto scegliere la macchinina in cui sedersi, il film che voleva vedere e dopo 20 minuti di tagli e rasature, l'ha trasformato in un ometto.

..DURING...




....AFTER!


(Jacomo with short hair on 3/18/2010- Jacomo con i capelli corti il 18 marzo 2010)

I never took Vittoria to get her haircut professionally: she liked it long and I would just let it grow out and every once in a while , I would cut it to get rid of split ends or even it out. It there was enough humidity, her hair would curl up and look shorter, so she made sure it would at least touch her shoulders.

Non ho mai portato Vittoria a farsi tagliare i capelli professionalmente: a lei piacevano lunghi e li ha lasciati crescere, ed io ogni tanto li tagliavo per togliere le doppie punte o pareggiarli. Se c'era abbstanza umidita`, i suoi capelli si arriccivano e sembrano piu` corti, cosi` si accertava sempre che le toccassero almeno le spalle .

(I love this photo: you can see her big brown eyes, for once not hidden by her glasses, and her curly brown hair- Questa foto mi piace molto: si possono vedere bene i suoi occhioni marroni, per una volta non nascosti dagli occhiali e i suoi ricci).

7 Months- 7 Mesi

(She said his food was gross, hence the disgusted face- A Vittoria la pappa del fratello proprio non piaceva, per questo aveva sempre la faccia disgustata)


(Although she was grossed out, she loved feeding him- Nonostante tutto, Vittoria adorava dare la pappa al fratellino)


(Always careful and doting on Jacomo- Sempre attenta e devota al fratello)




(Mom’s turn)
Another month has gone by… I really can’t believe it. Why does it feel like it was just yesterday that we were at the hospital holding her hand talking to her, yet other times it feels like it was forever ago, like she has been gone for a long time. We miss her so much, there are no words to describe the ache and longing. As I get up and face each day, I’m always thinking of her and what she would say and do if she were here: would she chase her little brother for me so I can fix dinner or teach him some songs to keep him happy? Would she kick him out of her room because he is destroying her stuff or would she help him get dressed? I know beating myself up is not good, but how can I not think of all this?? That’s how I thought our life would be. I know, seven months should have been enough time for us to catch on to reality, a totally different reality.
E` passato un altro mese...non ci posso credere. Perche` a volte sembra quasi ieri che eravamo all'ospedale a tenerle la mano e a parlarle, e poi altre volte sembra essere passata un'eternita`, come se Vittoria ci avesse lasciato tanto tempo fa. Ci manca cosi` tanto, non ci sono parole per descrivere il dolore e la voglia di averla con noi. Ogni giorno mi alzo e affronto la giornata pensando sempre a lei, a cosa direbbe o farebbe se fosse qui: rincorrerebbe il fratello cosi` io sono libera di preparare la cena o gli insegnerebbe delle canzoni per farlo felice? Lo caccerebbe dalla sua stanza perche` lui le sta distruggendo le sue cose o lo aiuterebbe a vestirsi? Lo so che questo farsi del male cosi` non fa bene, ma come non faccio a non pensare a queste cose? Era cosi` che avevo immaginato la nostra vita. Lo so, sette mesi sarebbero dovuti essere stati sufficienti per capire la realta`, una realta` competamente diversa.

I’m thankful that for eight months she was able to do the things big sisters do: feed him, play with him, change his diaper (she insisted that she would NOT change the poopy ones, she said that was my job!), give him a bath and just love him. As our days go by, I'm almost certain that somehow she is reminding him to keep us on our toes, and he does, trust me.
Sono grata pero` per gli otto mesi che lei ha potuto fare le cose da sorella maggiore: dargli la pappa, giocare con lui, cambiargli il pannolino ( e lei insisteva che i pannolini con la popo` erano miei da cambiare), fargli il bagnetto e volergli bene. Con il passare dei giorni, sono quasi convinta che in qualche modo lei gli sta ricordando di tenerci sempre all'erta, and lui lo fa, credetemi.

In the last couple of weeks he ate the point of a pink highlighter marker and the sticker that keeps a package of tissues closed. He chased and ATE a fruit fly and then laughed about it. He removed the cover of the heating vent in his bedroom and filled it up with lots of small little toys until the hole could not hold anything more. He ate a purple crayon and walked around for almost a whole day with his dad’s baseball hat lowered over his face chasing a ball and running into walls, doors, couches, chairs, and so on. I literally can’t turn my head 1 second and he is in trouble!
Nelle ultime due settimane, Jacomo si e` mangiato la punta dell'evidenziatore rosa e l'etichetta adesiva dei pacchetti di fazzoletti. Ha rincorso e si e` mangiato un moscerino e si e` pure divertito. Ha scoperchiato la presa d'aria calda nella sua stanza, l'ha riempita con parecchi giochi piccoli piccoli fino a quando era piena stracolma. Si e` mangiato un colore a cera viola e per quasi tutto il giorno ha girato per casa con il cappello del padre calato sulla faccia intento a rincorrere la palla e nel frattempo sbattendo contro mura, porte, divani, sedie eccetera. Non posso girare la testa per un secondo che si mette nei guai!


But we are happy he is this way: curious, adventure seeker, trouble maker, funny, tender, active, stubborn, happy and even whiney. At the end of the day, we love him more and more and he brings us joy.
Ma a noi va bene cosi`: curioso, sempre in cerca di avventure e nei guai, simpatico e divertente, tenero, attivo testardo, felice e anche le volte che e` lagnoso. Alla fine della giornata, noi gli vogliamo sempre piu` bene e ci da` tanta gioia.

We miss our little girl and we know she is watching over us and protecting us and especially her little brother- We love you Vittoria, till we meet again!


(Good Night, Jacomo!- Buonanotte, Jacomo)

SCOFIELD & 6 MONTHS

(Mom's Turn)

Every second weekend in February for the past 20 years or so, the Frandsen Family has organized and attended the Annual Scofield Snow Ride. So, every year, we pack up and go to the cabin to participate and to hang out with the family. This time I think they had the biggest turn out ever: over 180 snowmobilers showed up to enjoy the beautiful mountains, eat the yummy food and of course get the prizes.
Da piu' di vent'anni, ogni secondo sabato di febbraio, la Famiglia Frandsen organizza e prende parte all'Annuale Giro in Motoslitta a Scofield. Cosi', ogni anno, noi facciamo le valigie e andiamo alla baita per partecipare e stare con il resto della famiglia. Penso che quest'anno, abbiano avuto la piu' grande partecipazione: 180 motoslitte hanno partecipato al giro, la gente si e' goduta le meravigiose montagne, mangiato del cibo molto buono e vinto dei premi.

Jacomo and I stayed at the cabin during the ride, since he is still too little to go, but we can't wait to take him on it. We know that Vittoria had a great time when James took her on the ride. It was very cold, but she never complained, and we tried to bundle her up as much as we could, her skinny little body would not hold heat for very long, but she was fearless, asking her dad to jump this and that, to go faster and do tricks.
Jacomo ed io siamo rimasti alla baita, visto che lui e' ancora troppo piccolo per partecipare, ma non vediamo l'ora di portarlo con noi. Vittoria si divertiva un mondo quando James la portava con se'. Faceva parecchio freddo, ma lei non si lamentava, la coprivamo il piu' possibile, il suo corpicino cosi' piccolo e magro non riteneva il caldo a lungo, ma lei era senza paura, chiedeva al padre di saltare questo e quello, di andare piu' veloce e di fare le acrobazie.

(Vittoria-February 2008)



Some of the similarities between my two kids have to do with being outside. Jacomo, like his sister, absolutely LOVES to be outside and the snow.
We arrived at the rendezvous point for lunch kinda early, so Aunt Jana, cousin Harley, Jacomo and I played in the snow and explored a bit around. It was cold, windy and started to snow some, but nothing could keep our boy inside: for exactly 3 hours, he walked, fell, rolled, played, ran in the snow, like it was just a summer day. He had a blast, and by the time we got back to the cabin, he was exhausted and fell asleep right away. His mom, on the other hand, after all the workout of keeping up with him, had to take some Tylenol and a much needed nap. Who needs to go to the gym? It may sound like I'm complaining, but no, I would not change this little bundle of energy for anything in the world. We love him so much, he and Vittoria are our pride and joy.
Una delle cose che accomuna i miei due bambini e' il voler stare fuori a tutti i costi. Jacomo, proprio come la sorella, adora stare fuori e la neve.
Arrivati al punto di ritrovo con un po' di anticipo, zia Jana, la cuginetta Harley, Jacomo ed io abbiamo deciso di esplorare i dintorni e giocare nella neve. Faceva parecchio freddo, c'era vento, aveva pure incominciato a nevicare un po', ma niente e nessuno poteva tenere Jacomo in macchina: per 3 ore, ha corso, camminato, si e' rotolato, e' caduto e si e' rialzato come se stesse giocando un qualsiasi giorno d'estate. Si e' divertito tanto, ma una volta ritornato alla baita, era talmente esausto che si e' addormentato come un sasso. La sua mamma, d'altra parte, dopo tutta la fatica di stargli appresso, si e' presa un bell'antidolorifico ed e' andata a farsi un bel riposino. Sembra che mi stia lamentando, ma no, non cambierei questo fagottino di energie per niente al mondo. Gli vogliamo un bene dell'anima, lui e Vittoria sono le nostre gioie e vanti.

(Harley and Jacomo)

On Sunday, everybody made their way back to Price, since the following day was a holiday and we had pictures taken. So, on Monday, most of the morning and early afternoon was taken by the pictures: first all the grandkids ( it was funny seeing so many kids all together and the adults trying to get them to hold still, smile, and behave, and I was one of them since when everybody was ready and good to go, Jacomo decided he did not like to sit and be good). Then it was the whole family's turn, and then the single families.
Domenica, tutta la famiglia ha fatto ritorno Price, visto che il giorno dopo era festa e avevamo le foto di famiglia da fare. Cosi', la maggior parte di lunedi' mattina e primo pomeriggio e' stata dedicata alle foto: prima con tutti i nipoti
(uno spasso vedere cosi' tanti ragazzini tutti insieme e gli adulti che cercavano in tutti i modi di farli stare fermi, sorridere e comportarsi bene, io ero una di loro visto che una volta che tutti i bambini era pronti, Jacomo ha deciso che a lui non piaceva stare fermo e buono). Poi e' stato il turno di tutta la famiglia al completo e poi delle singole famiglie.
Well, since Monday is past and gone, everybody is back to their life, and we are back to ours, I honestly can say that since I was told about the pictures, I had dreaded Monday. Who wouldn't? I did too much thinking, but how could I have not? To me, it felt wrong, unfair and very sad that our Vittoria was NOT physically there. I do have some regrets that probably I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, and one is that I should have had our little family's picture done after Jacomo was born or even this summer before Vittoria went in for surgery. I can't go back in time, I wish I could. How could I smile when inside I was torn apart and felt like my heart was bursting with pain? I am the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve, especially when it comes to Vittoria, you can totally tell when I am in pain, so I think it was obvious during this weekend too.
Be', visto che lunedi' e' passato, tutti, compresi noi, siamo ritornati alle proprie vite e posso dire con tutta sincerita' che da quando mi fu detto di queste foto da fare, ero pittosto impaurita dall'arrivo del lunedi'. Ma chi non lo sarebbe stato? Mi ero fatta troppe congetture mentali, ma chi non lo avrebbe fatto? Per me era sbagliato, ingiusto e triste che la nostra Vittoria non sarebbe stata fisicamente con noi. Mi rammarico di non aver avuto l'idea di fare queste foto subito dopo la nascita di Jacomo o persino quest'estate prima che Vittoria avesse l'operazione, purttroppo non si pou' tornare indietro, ma come vorrei. Come potevo mettermi in posa e sorridere quando dentro mi sentivo morire? Sono il tipo di persona che non nasconde i propri sentimenti, soprattutto quando si tratta di Vittoria, e questo weekend sono stati piuttosto ovvi la tristezza e il dolore che abbiamo provato.
But my wise hubby always says that what we do from now on is for our boy, so I got my act together and had our pictures taken. Our photographer and sister Jana will do something special to our photos...but can't say much now, maybe I'll have to do another post with the photos. (if allowed)
In the end, I'm grateful for the graciousness and tactfulness of the family and that i we had our photos taken. One more "First" out of the way.
Anyway, afterwards, Uncle Garth took Jacomo on Taylor and Rylie's four wheeler for a ride around the yard. Obviously he loved it, like anything else that has an engine and makes noise. Two kids running around!!!
L'unica cosa che mi ha convinto a farci fare le foto e' in realta' quello che James ripete da un po', cioe' che quello che facciamo da adesso in poi e' per nostro figlio. La nostra fotografa fara' qualcosa di speciale e particolare alle nostre foto e se mi verra'permesso nel prossimo post le pubblichero'.
Ad ogni modo, nel pomeriggio Zio Garth ha portato Jacomo sulla quad di Taylor e Rylie per un giretto in giardino. Come ogni altra cosa che fa rumore e ha un motore, Jacomo ne e' rimasto completamente affascinato.



Tuesday, February the 16th, was the 6 month mark since our Vittoria went back to Our Heavenly Father, and it was soo hard. So, on our way back to Salt Lake City, we stopped at the cemetery. More snow had fallen since we were there in January. The flowers and the teddy bear were frozen to the ground and some snowflakes had started to come down. Vittoria's cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents were there with us. Thank you, once again, for your support, love and not leaving us alone.
Martedi' 16 febbraio segnava i 6 mesi da quando Vittoria e' ritornata dal Signore. Prima di lasciare Price, ci siamo fermati al cimitero. C'era ancora piu' neve di quando ci siamo stati a gennaio. I fiori e il peluche erano completamente ghiacciati e congelati per terra and i primi fiocchi di neve avevano incominciato a farsi vedere. Zii, cugini, nonni paterni erano sono venuti con noi.

(Nati, Jacomo, Camryn, Taylor, Payton, Rylie)
(Not pictured but present Adelia, Jocelyn, Tianna, Pyper and Harley)


We brought stuffed animals and more flowers, but also lots of tears. Six months have gone by, but the pain is so alive, almost like the first day. It feels like yesterday, but also like so much time has passed. We miss our little girl so much, we want to hold her and kiss her, and feel her skinny arms around around our neck and her tiny laughter....
...I just want my baby girl.
Abbiamo portato altri fiori e peluche, ma anche tante lacrime. Sono passati 6 mesi, ma il dolore e' ancora cosi' vivo, quasi come il primo giorno. A volte sembra ieri, altre come se fosse passato tanto tempo. La nostra bimba ci manca tantissimo, vogliamo tenerla stretta a noi, darle tanti baci, sentire le sue braccine magre magre intorno al nostro collo e la sua risata...
...voglio la mia bimba!!

What a day!

Can I erase the past couple of days, please?
So, our little boy started with a fever on Tuesday night, not big deal, except after almost 24 hours of Tylenol, he stopped eating and drinking and started acting very cranky and very clingy, with the fever reaching 103.6 Fahrenheit (39.8 Celsius). Not good, so off to the doctor who found an ear infection ( not again!) and prescribed an antibiotic. OK, I can totally deal with this: a few days of good meds and he will be fine, right? Wrong!! On Thursday at 1 am his fever reached 104 (40)!!!!!!!!! Throughout the day, the fever actually never went away, he kept crying and screaming for no apparent reason, nothing could comfort or calm him down, so yesterday afternoon, the nurse suggested to take him to a local hospital ( not a chance!) or Primary Children's Medical Center (crap)!! You know that was NOT the place I wanted to go. No offense, that is THE BEST place for a sick kid, but my emotions were and are still too raw and fresh to be thinking straight. As a mom, I had to put my feelings aside and do what was the best for my boy. Easier said than done, trust me. As we were getting ready to leave, on the outside I was trying to be brave and calm, but the memories and the emotions came up in crashing waves: my brain was already working to find an objective way to face this, but my heart was beating like crazy. My eyes started to tear up and my stomach was in knots. How could I do this without falling apart completely? What if the fever was a sign of something serious? And what if we met some of Vittoria's doctors or nurses? I mean, even just the parking lot triggers major anxiety issues and opens up the flood gates. I was scared.
We checked in and it was déjà vu all over again: the beeping monitors, the floor, the beds, the medical charts, the background noise even the smell.
Jacomo was a trooper: he got picked on, probed, checked several times, and during all, he held still, almost hypnotized, sooo much like his sister.
His heart rate when we got there was a little bit off, he still had some fever and some redness in his ears. They also found out he had a really nasty discharge in his throat and that could have caused the high fever. The diagnosis was Pharyngitis. So after some Motrin, liquids and taking his vitals one last time, we finally got to go home.

(Jacomo waiting for the doc)

P.S. He is doing much better today, but they said it will take 3 to 5 days for him to get back to normalcy. If that means 24/7 of a very active boy, not time to myself,always on the go, bring it on, I just don't want anymore of these experiences, I could do without them and especially I don't want to see the inside of Primary Children's anymore. I think I might need some serious therapy, I am a mess.

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So, remember my fear of meeting one of our girl's doctors or nurses? Well, from far away, we spotted a doctor that was in the ICU when Vittoria was there, but since he never met her or us, I was ok with that. Instead, the nurse assigned to us was actually an old acquaintance: in September of 2008, Vittoria ended up at the ER for dehydration ( I know: bad parents!) and this nurse ended up being assigned to us. Not unusual, except that like our Vittoria, she has Marfan Syndrome. So of course, once Vittoria found it out, she was intrigued and very happy to meet somebody, especially an adult, with the same health problems as her, I think that maybe she was thinking what she would be like once she became an adult: a beautiful tall lady like the nurse.

T., the nurse, was very gracious and professional, trying to keep us and especially Jacomo comfortable, yet when we told her of Vittoria's passing, her eyes were red and teary, she was deeply saddened and then she said :" I remember Vittoria, she was always happy and smiling!". Music to my ears, yep, that's our girl! And some pictures came to my mind, of our girl and her funny faces.